Shades of grey

As the darkness begins to lift and sluggishly turns grey, I could merely see; but continued to be weighed down by thoughts of the past and what is in store for the future. The headache, heartache and pain that continued to haunt me, the trust I had put into others believing they are honest and true, not distrusting like the stories I would hear or see on the TV. I continued to forgive everyone who does me wrong, seeing only the reason they are devilish rather than they being evil themselves. We all have issues including me; ‘It is well’… right?

The continuous actions that never match the nice words; how do I go on? will it get better? O lord, I pray, ask and then beg. Why are you not listening? Please lord please deliver me from this wickedness, please deliver me from this hurt and pain. I then see the news; harm and suffering, killing, diseases and devastation. Am I being pathetic, can I measure my situation and hurt with what I see on the news? It lessens my state of affairs, I feel pathetic!

I AM strong; I CAN get through this, I want to believe the future is bright. I can feel a change but my situation has not changed? I’m confused. Do I have blind faith? Surely I am to trust myself, my feelings, and my intuition… that’s what they say right?

Another day passes, then a week and before I know it… Christmas again, Eid, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, debts! I’m chasing my tail to catch up, doing my best to buy the presents, the decorations…. Then pancake day, Valentines, Easter… oh no the eggs for the children, the pressure I can’t take this pressure!

Names, brands, names, buy, buy, buy, pay, pay… I can’t!

I have to STOP! My mind can’t cope; I have to get off this ride, everywhere I look people are telling me what to do, when to spend money I don’t have and how to feel, I have to take the pressure off. I choose not to participate; I decide not to pursue what is on TV and in the shops right now. I choose to save my money to reduce my debts instead; I will evaluate the hurtful people around me, those that suck my energy, and those who always seem to be taking but never there to give an ear or a helping hand, those whom claim to love me because they hold the title ‘family’ or ‘friend’ and they believe it gives them permission to take advantage of my nature. It’s time for a clear out; it’s time to respect myself, my life and take back my control. I will listen to what I desire, what I need… I wish to be happy and autonomous. I will start my new life for 2015 and really begin to have a Happy New Year.

 

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